i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
