Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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