I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
