I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
