Cold hands, warm shart.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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