Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
