i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
