the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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