when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
