I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
this just has baby written all over it
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
