I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
