I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
do herpes really smell.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
