Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I puked a lego.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
