I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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