we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
