**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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