White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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