it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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