My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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