stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
