just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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