I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
