I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
