Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
