look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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