chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
