he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
We left the knife in your bed.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
