My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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