I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
it glows. i had to have it.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I wear drunk well.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
