we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Randomize
