so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
