we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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