being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
