he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
operation have a gay friend backfired
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
