im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
