I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
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