what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
