I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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