I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
