Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
