when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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