If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
