The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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