I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
