did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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