How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
