While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
