thus making me awesome and them whores
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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