he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
