Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize
