I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
