I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
