im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
