we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
