If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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