And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
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